Trying so hard to put the pieces back together | tâm sự 2h sáng

It’s been a month since I moved to London. Exactly a month.

Everything is strange, exciting, yet tough and exhausting. Sometimes there’s a sudden depression. Sometimes there’s nothing, just me and my emptiness.

I always know that being on my own would be hard, but it’s getting harder than it should be.
Maybe it’s because im 17 and never been abroad.
Maybe it’s because i have never been away from my mom for more than 2 days.
Maybe it’s because im trying so hard to pretend to people around me here that im fine and im sick and tired of faking it.
Maybe it’s just because i feel lost so easily.

I thought I would be different and be able to refresh my life, myself. I thought I could overcome my eating disorder and anxiety. But no. Hell fucking no. I still cry myself to sleep everynight. I feel like I cant breathe im about to faint everyday walking back home from school. And no matter how strong I think I can be, life just leaves me all the feelings, shattered and lost.

Money is another problem. Having a broken family and seeing mom trying her best everyday to save more for me to study abroad is seriously stressing me out. And everything here is fucking expensive and everything costs. The fact that all my flatmates and classmates like actually everyone around me their families are all so rich sometimes makes me hurt. It’s a bit annoying to hang out with them and hear about all the nice things they can afford. It’s also awkward when my flatmates want to eat out which means I have to spend more but I cant say no.

School and studying depress me. People from my art class are so fucking talented when im almost useless I cant even work with watercolor. Textiles class is like a nightmare. The other girls are all pretty british, they talk all the time im just a strange creature in the corner of the class. I talk to no one. I’m scared, of those girls and everything. I don’t feel passionate and struggle with finding inspiration and ideas for art all the time. I just sit there everynight staring at the blank paper for 5 hours.

Sometimes I ask myself if I made the right choice but I never regret. Im still trying to balance it all. I know I can make it and everything will be fine in the end. Just not today. I love this place actually. I love London and its lifestyle. It’s just me that ruin everything. I sometimes wander around London. I see people and fall in love with each one. I find myself fit in with this place even more than Hanoi.Though im broken pieces, there are still times when I smile absentmindedly to myself. I always tell myself to remember my goals and work my ass off for them. I don’t want to regret anything.

oh and a thing i really like here is that everyone actually calls me destiny haha.

và mẹ ơi con nhớ mẹ nhiều lắm.